I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
