I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
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I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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