Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
