I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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