I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
