dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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