I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
