I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
