You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
