I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
