I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
