Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
