I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
