Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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