I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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