maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
