I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
