Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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