hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
