Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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