just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
