hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
