I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
