Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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