If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
