Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
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you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
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I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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