mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I need to align my fucking chakras
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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