if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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