I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
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Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
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I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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