yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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