I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick