Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
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You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
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These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
