I think i peed on brittanys purse
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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