My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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