I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
