The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
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she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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