I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
