Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
