yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
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You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
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I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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