yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
