A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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