Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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