she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
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Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
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She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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