Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
