Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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