Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize