Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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