i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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