I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
