and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
