So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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