I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
