I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
