remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
