Screwed.edu
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
