i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
