I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
fuck your aforementioned shoe
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
