if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
