If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
