I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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