I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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