Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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